Real happiness..

You know you're really happy when you wish the same for those who once made you cry.. =')

bcoz i need harsh words sometimes..

so the whole day of march 01, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. i realized a lot of new things about myself, ugly things that i thought was ok for me, when in reality it wasn't.. i ended up hurting the person who has done nothing but put up with my attitude. i was ashamed of myself and my actions, and for the first time, i was scared of losing someone for good. you were right, everything you said was right and i will forever be thankful to you for saving me from the dark side i never knew i had, for telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me, for teaching me how it is to value something important, for showing me exactly who i don't want to be and that it's time for me to grow up, for still believing in me. i pray someday you will forgive me, and in time earn your trust again.. in my road to further self-discovery, you will be my guide..

ccmc..

So i finally had the courage to visit ccmc since i left last january.. Only to realize how much i really missed this place so much. :'( what i have now or where i am now can never compare with the fact that most of the happiest moments in my life, i had spent here.. +sigh+ wish i can go back.. but life must go on. at least i have these happy memories to bring back with me when i return to sg.ü

Maturedom.

Had a good heart-to-heart talk/adult conversation with my eldest brother Chris just now over Skype. Im just happy that at least he also understands how it is to be working abroad and earning more than the minimum wage. And that he supports me on the decisions that im making and going to make. And how we both feel about Mommy's being there also, and how i fully understand his side as well. We, my brother and I, always had this weird eldest-youngest relationship. When i was stull a kid and he was still living at home, i would get countless scoldings and spanks from him. But by the time he started working, he began treating us nicely already. I would never forget the weekend trips that he used to arrange for me and Tintin. And now, we have mature conversations already, and that he is seeing me as an adult already, not that little brat he used to displace his frustrations on.

Im thankful for tonight because it's like he has opened a part of himself to his sister. Whatever it was that we talked about will remain just between us, im just happy that im not alone in the feeling of being an OFW. :)

One Tree Hill

currently playing>> "when  i look at you" by miley cyrus
im feeling>> lazy! rainy weather in singapore today :D simply perfect for a lazy day off..ü

so  i watched the final episode of one tree hill last night.. and just like the series ender, it brought back memories as well from the time i started following it and i also got mommy hooked to watching it. we used to watch together, and sometimes mommy would watch on her own, advancing to episodes i havent even seen yet.. like most endings, it was a happy ending for everyone, with their own stories and respective families.

i just think it would have been better if lucas scott was still around and he ended up together with brooke.

this would have been a happier ending.

i used to love OTH a lot, maybe because of its music, the characters, the quotes, and basically because it showed what kind of "love" that i wanted but never had. i havent followed the show ever since lucas left, and i guess i just got curious how this show ended considering i got as far as 6 seasons (the ones with chad michael murray in it).

this show is not just your usual teenage drama, as all of the cast have grown up in the years that passed after high school. i can just assume that the audience for the seasons that followed after high school are the ones who have stuck with the show since then. i grew up with these guys and i dreamed, hoped and learned with them. i just wish that like the cast, i also find the peace, happiness and love that i've always wanted for myself from the start. :)

Storms..

currently playing>> everytime i see you, my life turns upside down.. i try soo hard to find out, how to make you come back.. but even if i told you, i cant hold you again.. everytime i see you, i know.. :) -by fra lippo lippi..
im feeling>> in pain. painful my pus.on.. :( i have my period..

Storms – both literal and figurative, leave in their wake destruction and chaos. They bring howling and lashing winds that uproot trees and sweep away natural and man-made structures that are not secured in their moorings. Their torrential rains bring flood and landslides that cause severe damage to lives and properties.

And yet, there is beauty amidst the ugliness of storms. In the clutter left after the landslides and the floods, man realizes that there should have been more trees to hold the rains in check; that our waterways should not be clogged with garbage… Storms are but nature’s protests against the wanton ways of mankind.

Storms test the quality of manmade structures. The weak ones go down and the strong ones endure. As do the figurative storms that enter our lives. Only the robust and the true survive.

Storms are cleansing. In their aftermath, we put order back in a newly bathed world - a world that offers countless possibilities for rebuilding to a better life. We have weathered the storms of the past week. Filipinos all over the country united as one, to help one another. It takes storms to do these. And therein lies their beauty – in the chance they give for fresh beginnings.

(charlene's reaction to typhoon Ondoy..)

my first death..

currently playing>> nothing's gonna change my love for you, saxophone version..
im feeling>> lucky! :)

i saved a life today! :) fine.. i'll rephrase that, i helped save a life today. since in the Emergency Room, us staff there work as a team, we brought a patient back to life. literal meaning of the word, we brought back his heartbeat.. :) not at all times that we're able to bring patients back to life so everytime we're able to do that, despite the fact that resuscitative measures are a very much hassle to whoever is on duty, it just feels soo damn good everytime. :)

i've already experienced a lot of deaths in my job as a nurse, most especially since i work in a public hospital where most of the time, when the patient seeks medical help, they're usually in a late stage already. i can't blame them though, because money is always the issue.. it's different now, having gone through dying patients. you get used to it. it's true that you learn from experience. i still get scared sometimes, but the adrenaline rush and knowledge on what to do and having a team that will back you up, is more than enough to get me through tough times. that's what we're here for: WE SAVE LIVES!

my first death would be one thing that i would not forget my whole life. and to keep track of that unfortunate event, i have always kept this post. this is a repost from my first ever encounter with death while now working as a professional nurse dated last february 12, 2008:

the previous night proved to be a night of many firsts for me..

first time in mr. coffee before heading to work..

my first graveyard / night / nocturnal / 10pm-6am shift..

and my first EVER death under my care..
my first ever death, where my first ever TARONG assessment of a "bati" patient was not heeded by my superior..

i was doing the hourly monitoring of this patient. hourly monitoring, which isnt supposed to even be the nurse's job coz the interns are the ones assigned to do this. from 11pm-2am, he still had stable vital signs, especially the 02 sat and BP.. at my next check on 3am, his BP gradually declined to 77/48 and o2 sat to 97.. i was alarmed. i referred this to my senior nurse, and he just told me "OK ra na". at the back of my mind, i was thinking, paksyet dz cant be, karon ra ni na usab iya VS..ö

ug sa dihang gi katulgan kos aku senior nurse..ö

4am, next monitoring nako, dili na mu andar ang pulse oxy. gi refer na pod nako, gi ingnan ra bakog to "change the outlet"?!? i did so anyway, but dili japon mu andar. so nag manual ko ug check. wa koi nakuhang radial pulse. tried the brachial, wala. try ko sa carotid, wala. LAST RESORT, apical, WALA JAPON!
na scared nako. thankfully, naabot ang intern. i asked her a favor to check the VS kai di nako makuha. xempweh, intern gyud cya, she should noe better than i do.. na shock ko kai ang BP iya nakuha, 130/80! considering sa monitoring that ive been doing, impossible kaau kai from a stable 100/60 to 77/48, mahimu ng 130/80?!? i was about to question her pero na wala cya.

30 minutes after, ang S.O. sa patient complained na ang mech.vent wala na ni.siga.. so adto na pod ko. 430am na ni ha, take note. gi pukaw nako ang aku senior nurse kai dili na jd ko kbaw ani. ni mata cya. iyang gi adto ang patient and i referred the information i got during the last 2hours na natulog ra cya. so assess2x pod cya. pagkita niya na he couldnt do anything, patawag na cya ug code nurse.

5am, code 89 to stroke unit.

imagine, almost an hour had already passed since i noticed na wla nai heartbeat ang patient. then 5am pa natawag ang code?

with that one hour, daghan na au ang na happen sa patient in that span of time. even if ETT cya attached to mech.vent attached to O2 at 10L/min, with zero cardiac workload = there's zero cardiac output = definitely no oxygen circulation especially to the brain..
i trusted my instincts, and i referred that to my senior as soon as possible, BUT GI-IGNORE KO!!! GI-KATULGAN KO!

im not blaming him, and im not doubting his capabilities. in fact, idol nako cya kai chill kaau cya na pagka nurse maskin tiguwang nah kayod gihapon.. BUT A LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED!
im making yaw2x.. and i have to go to school..

i feel bad.

this was a night of many firsts for me..

first graveyard 10pm to 6am shift..
first time ive trusted my instincts so bad.
first time naka witness ko ug slacking while on duty.
first time ive witnessed someone, to whom ive given my total nursing care for, die.