baby shampoos for a crybaby..

currently playing>> jeepney by spongecola..
im feeling>> hurt, aching, longing.. =(

never have i felt so weak before in my life than i did last night. and up to now, the wounds are still so raw. how come when heartaches were introduced, they didnt invent it with the no-tear-formula that baby shampoos are made of?

i am a crybaby. been one for as long as i can remember. i get teary-eyed over the most petty things. i cried during my high school graduation. i cried the first time i was able to witness a baby being born to the world. i cried when i lost the elections for school president in grade six. i cried when my older brother left for the states. i cried when i had a fight with my dad two afternoons ago. i cried when dylan cried over his finger that got caught in the car door. i cried when i broke my wrist during one of my sessions in karate when i was in grade three. i cried when i saw how proud my mom was to see me on stage delivering a speech of thanks in behalf of the entire graduating class during my elementary graduation. i cried when i got picked on by some friends in high school. i even cry over those sappy melodramas that they show on the big screen or on tv. but now i cry because i can't just stop the world and melt with him.

yep. i am a crybaby. and i might owe it to the fact that i was already four years old when my mom started buying johnson's baby shampoo for me. prior to that, i remember crying when my dad would give me a bath because he made sure that he soaped every inch of me, and that meant my face included. and getting soap in my eyes always made me cry.

it's funny how one thinks how easy it is to get over feelings for someone.

one minute, i feel it's there, freeing me of all the pain. it's fresh. blissful. it haunts my soul like warm rays of sunshine, replacing the blood in my veins. and just when im already starting to enjoy the warmth, i suddenly find myself waking up to a series of tidal waves, crashing down on me from nowhere, drowning my senses and bringing me back to reality. it's cold. livid. it hurts. ouch.

im not the type of person who gives up easily. i hold on, as much as i can, but i learn to let go when i noe i have lost the fight. melancholy would settle in, yes, but it would only last for a while. and i need just enough for me to feel the numb, enough to give me strength to swim out of that stuporic state of doldrums.

but i smile. i live for rollercoasters like these that reassure me that i am human, capable of emotions. it's what keeps me alive. it's what keeps me sane. in a stage where pimple-causing raging hormones are not under my control, i find myself grinning like a kid who got a perfect ten plus three stars on a spelling quiz after giving the teacher a juicy red apple.

pain will always be unavoidable, but nobody said that it wouldnt be bearable.

i still try hard not to get shampoo in my eyes so that it wouldnt sting. and i make sure that i close my eyes every time i wash my face. if only avoiding heartaches were as simple as these, i wouldnt be looking for baby shampoos all the time.

nagging parents and the philippines' judiciary system.

currently playing>> rules of a happy marriage by the ambassadors..
im feeling>> pissed.

i woke up to another one of my parents' nagging. great. what a way to start the day. i hate it when they continuously bug me coz it makes me want to gara, just to piss them off all the more. and when i do, i then receive the satisfaction of more nags, screams, walk-outs and slamming doors. as if i care! doi, satisfaction ganeh!ü

and then i arrive to a courtroom, as usual, earlier than the judge. the judge who never comes on time, despite the many instances that i make langay, he still comes in later than i do. haha. way to go, judge! so there i read the human comedy by william saroyan while waiting for good ol' judge to arrive. and what greets me? information stating that the fiscal isnt around, and no word has come from the public prosecutor's office authorizing the court to proceed with the prosecution even without him. damn. another wasted day. why? bcoz the justice system of the philippines is soo lame, it makes me not want to proceed with med school to pursue law. in a country where red tape is its chief dialect, it needs idealistic youngbloods like me to make the necessary changes it has long been overdue.

but sometimes, no, MOST OF THE TIME, the "not-wanting-to-care" part of me overrules the aktibista in me. hahay, unsa man gyud?

akong gugmang dako pas kalibutan..

currently playing>> only one, yellow card. emo mode.. tsk.
im feeling>> disappointed, but not totally betrayed.


school is officially over, but this week has served as another learning experience for me. particularly that of last saturday's happenings. i realized that some things will never be. i must have realized it too late. and that's the bad part. too late. the good thing bowt it is, at least i realized it soon enough. haha. okei, anlaaabooohh!!!

one, you can only count on sooo few people in this world. and most of the time, the people you consider as friends are the ones who betray you the most. its either they use you for their greater glory, or, they just use you.

two, the most unexpected people are the ones who make you laugh the most. the ones you ask to for help are too busy to make you smile. a real messy beautiful, twisted sunshine..

three, quote unquote from badz: "you can only truly fall in love with one person. and the others? well, they just make your heart beat. you'll get to meet a lot of people but there's only one to whom you'll fully give your heart.." true? TRUE! asa naman akong thweeyiwowdboi oiee?? :((

four, i proved that hula2x is not true. mugna ra gyud na cla. remember when i posted something on palmreading (year end, year start na entry)? bowt what kuya rey said bowt whats goin to happen dz year? well i proved him wrong.. sayup ang iya mga gipang say. wala pakoi na ilhan na tao na iya gi mention ato na "hula".. but heck, its still the first quarter of the year. a lot can happen..

five, sadness is the absence of happiness. doi! seriously, sir januar must have been right when he told me that im already leaning towards the negative end of the mental health-illness continuum. tsk tsk..

six, its already a month or so before i turn twenty. il now be saying goodbye to my yagit2x teen years. but im not ready to grow up yet! *whine* :( face reality, char..

seven, suicide is not something you jowk about, especially when its friends who are of concern.. it is not funny. but i should have learned. i took this up in psych nursing. when will i learn that suicidal ideations are but mere forms of just gathering attention? to be of concern, but not enough reason to splurge load and tears on. And that was blow number one.

eight, half is half.

nine, usahay sa larsian magsakit ang tiyan.. (bibliography: insoy, suroy-suroy, 2003) true, how true.. more on the body's somatic reaction to stress and anxiety.

ten, gary v. shouldnt join kamikazee on stage. ever. its bad image for the band.

eleven, the beach is therapeutic. aside from psychological and emotional healing, it really helps in alleviating cough and colds. but with alcohol and nicotine present, expect the otherwise. two positive forces negate effects.

twelve, i noticed that i have changed a lot this past few days. ive become more patient, and ive learned to control my temper more. change for the better, so to speak, but this isnt me. ive tried so hard, sooo hard.. but to no avail. coz it is he who has changed for the worse. hez not the same person i fell in love with last week and two weeks ago. kinsa man ni siya??

thirteen, moving forward, using all my breath.. making love to you was never second best.. the song! THAAH SOOONNGGG!!! damn the song. i should erase this from my player. but for some reason, i just cant.

fourteen, upload pictures earlier. engk. wrong. clear out pc files earlier. aron mahuna.hunaAn ug sayo kung mag upload ug pics bah or dili. crap. i should have sorted out my pc last march 31. why now?? aaahhh. now i only have less than 20 slots left for pictures in my multiply. the world is going to end nah. ;p

fifteen, its the third day of the month again. another lonely third day of the month. and it sucks. i should just get back to reading.

and lastly, the final blow.. i realized that we would never be.. never comprehending the race was long gone by..