bcoz i need harsh words sometimes..

so the whole day of march 01, 2013 was a wake-up call for me. i realized a lot of new things about myself, ugly things that i thought was ok for me, when in reality it wasn't.. i ended up hurting the person who has done nothing but put up with my attitude. i was ashamed of myself and my actions, and for the first time, i was scared of losing someone for good. you were right, everything you said was right and i will forever be thankful to you for saving me from the dark side i never knew i had, for telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me, for teaching me how it is to value something important, for showing me exactly who i don't want to be and that it's time for me to grow up, for still believing in me. i pray someday you will forgive me, and in time earn your trust again.. in my road to further self-discovery, you will be my guide..

ccmc..

So i finally had the courage to visit ccmc since i left last january.. Only to realize how much i really missed this place so much. :'( what i have now or where i am now can never compare with the fact that most of the happiest moments in my life, i had spent here.. +sigh+ wish i can go back.. but life must go on. at least i have these happy memories to bring back with me when i return to sg.ü

Maturedom.

Had a good heart-to-heart talk/adult conversation with my eldest brother Chris just now over Skype. Im just happy that at least he also understands how it is to be working abroad and earning more than the minimum wage. And that he supports me on the decisions that im making and going to make. And how we both feel about Mommy's being there also, and how i fully understand his side as well. We, my brother and I, always had this weird eldest-youngest relationship. When i was stull a kid and he was still living at home, i would get countless scoldings and spanks from him. But by the time he started working, he began treating us nicely already. I would never forget the weekend trips that he used to arrange for me and Tintin. And now, we have mature conversations already, and that he is seeing me as an adult already, not that little brat he used to displace his frustrations on.

Im thankful for tonight because it's like he has opened a part of himself to his sister. Whatever it was that we talked about will remain just between us, im just happy that im not alone in the feeling of being an OFW. :)

One Tree Hill

currently playing>> "when  i look at you" by miley cyrus
im feeling>> lazy! rainy weather in singapore today :D simply perfect for a lazy day off..ü

so  i watched the final episode of one tree hill last night.. and just like the series ender, it brought back memories as well from the time i started following it and i also got mommy hooked to watching it. we used to watch together, and sometimes mommy would watch on her own, advancing to episodes i havent even seen yet.. like most endings, it was a happy ending for everyone, with their own stories and respective families.

i just think it would have been better if lucas scott was still around and he ended up together with brooke.

this would have been a happier ending.

i used to love OTH a lot, maybe because of its music, the characters, the quotes, and basically because it showed what kind of "love" that i wanted but never had. i havent followed the show ever since lucas left, and i guess i just got curious how this show ended considering i got as far as 6 seasons (the ones with chad michael murray in it).

this show is not just your usual teenage drama, as all of the cast have grown up in the years that passed after high school. i can just assume that the audience for the seasons that followed after high school are the ones who have stuck with the show since then. i grew up with these guys and i dreamed, hoped and learned with them. i just wish that like the cast, i also find the peace, happiness and love that i've always wanted for myself from the start. :)

Storms..

currently playing>> everytime i see you, my life turns upside down.. i try soo hard to find out, how to make you come back.. but even if i told you, i cant hold you again.. everytime i see you, i know.. :) -by fra lippo lippi..
im feeling>> in pain. painful my pus.on.. :( i have my period..

Storms – both literal and figurative, leave in their wake destruction and chaos. They bring howling and lashing winds that uproot trees and sweep away natural and man-made structures that are not secured in their moorings. Their torrential rains bring flood and landslides that cause severe damage to lives and properties.

And yet, there is beauty amidst the ugliness of storms. In the clutter left after the landslides and the floods, man realizes that there should have been more trees to hold the rains in check; that our waterways should not be clogged with garbage… Storms are but nature’s protests against the wanton ways of mankind.

Storms test the quality of manmade structures. The weak ones go down and the strong ones endure. As do the figurative storms that enter our lives. Only the robust and the true survive.

Storms are cleansing. In their aftermath, we put order back in a newly bathed world - a world that offers countless possibilities for rebuilding to a better life. We have weathered the storms of the past week. Filipinos all over the country united as one, to help one another. It takes storms to do these. And therein lies their beauty – in the chance they give for fresh beginnings.

(charlene's reaction to typhoon Ondoy..)

my first death..

currently playing>> nothing's gonna change my love for you, saxophone version..
im feeling>> lucky! :)

i saved a life today! :) fine.. i'll rephrase that, i helped save a life today. since in the Emergency Room, us staff there work as a team, we brought a patient back to life. literal meaning of the word, we brought back his heartbeat.. :) not at all times that we're able to bring patients back to life so everytime we're able to do that, despite the fact that resuscitative measures are a very much hassle to whoever is on duty, it just feels soo damn good everytime. :)

i've already experienced a lot of deaths in my job as a nurse, most especially since i work in a public hospital where most of the time, when the patient seeks medical help, they're usually in a late stage already. i can't blame them though, because money is always the issue.. it's different now, having gone through dying patients. you get used to it. it's true that you learn from experience. i still get scared sometimes, but the adrenaline rush and knowledge on what to do and having a team that will back you up, is more than enough to get me through tough times. that's what we're here for: WE SAVE LIVES!

my first death would be one thing that i would not forget my whole life. and to keep track of that unfortunate event, i have always kept this post. this is a repost from my first ever encounter with death while now working as a professional nurse dated last february 12, 2008:

the previous night proved to be a night of many firsts for me..

first time in mr. coffee before heading to work..

my first graveyard / night / nocturnal / 10pm-6am shift..

and my first EVER death under my care..
my first ever death, where my first ever TARONG assessment of a "bati" patient was not heeded by my superior..

i was doing the hourly monitoring of this patient. hourly monitoring, which isnt supposed to even be the nurse's job coz the interns are the ones assigned to do this. from 11pm-2am, he still had stable vital signs, especially the 02 sat and BP.. at my next check on 3am, his BP gradually declined to 77/48 and o2 sat to 97.. i was alarmed. i referred this to my senior nurse, and he just told me "OK ra na". at the back of my mind, i was thinking, paksyet dz cant be, karon ra ni na usab iya VS..ö

ug sa dihang gi katulgan kos aku senior nurse..ö

4am, next monitoring nako, dili na mu andar ang pulse oxy. gi refer na pod nako, gi ingnan ra bakog to "change the outlet"?!? i did so anyway, but dili japon mu andar. so nag manual ko ug check. wa koi nakuhang radial pulse. tried the brachial, wala. try ko sa carotid, wala. LAST RESORT, apical, WALA JAPON!
na scared nako. thankfully, naabot ang intern. i asked her a favor to check the VS kai di nako makuha. xempweh, intern gyud cya, she should noe better than i do.. na shock ko kai ang BP iya nakuha, 130/80! considering sa monitoring that ive been doing, impossible kaau kai from a stable 100/60 to 77/48, mahimu ng 130/80?!? i was about to question her pero na wala cya.

30 minutes after, ang S.O. sa patient complained na ang mech.vent wala na ni.siga.. so adto na pod ko. 430am na ni ha, take note. gi pukaw nako ang aku senior nurse kai dili na jd ko kbaw ani. ni mata cya. iyang gi adto ang patient and i referred the information i got during the last 2hours na natulog ra cya. so assess2x pod cya. pagkita niya na he couldnt do anything, patawag na cya ug code nurse.

5am, code 89 to stroke unit.

imagine, almost an hour had already passed since i noticed na wla nai heartbeat ang patient. then 5am pa natawag ang code?

with that one hour, daghan na au ang na happen sa patient in that span of time. even if ETT cya attached to mech.vent attached to O2 at 10L/min, with zero cardiac workload = there's zero cardiac output = definitely no oxygen circulation especially to the brain..
i trusted my instincts, and i referred that to my senior as soon as possible, BUT GI-IGNORE KO!!! GI-KATULGAN KO!

im not blaming him, and im not doubting his capabilities. in fact, idol nako cya kai chill kaau cya na pagka nurse maskin tiguwang nah kayod gihapon.. BUT A LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED!
im making yaw2x.. and i have to go to school..

i feel bad.

this was a night of many firsts for me..

first graveyard 10pm to 6am shift..
first time ive trusted my instincts so bad.
first time naka witness ko ug slacking while on duty.
first time ive witnessed someone, to whom ive given my total nursing care for, die.

Cebu City Medical Center - my workplace.. :)

currently playing>> take on me! take on me.. take me on.. take on me! hehe by a-Ha :)
im feeling>> happy! i had coffee today with my girls, cha tepait and jecar gonzaga..ü

this time, im gonna introduce you to where i work!
Cebu City Medical Center! :)

What is this place?

CCMC, founded in 1962..

CCMC is located just within the heart of Cebu City..

Cebu City Medical Center is a government-owned, 300-bed capacity hospital in Cebu City providing tertiary level services. It is located in the heart of the city along Natalio Bacalso Ave., corner Panganiban Street. It’s vision is to become a world-class health care institution.

A view from the outside..

Cebu City Medical Center is mandated to produce holistic quality healt care services to the residents of Cebu City which are client-centered and cost effective through competent, committed and compassionate personnel.

Aside from that, the Cebu City Medical Center is also an accredited training institution that is affiliated with local nursing and medical schools in the city allowing for training of students within the facility. Majority of the patients in the hospital are local residents belonging to the marginalized sector of the community.

What's it like working here?

As a student, I never looked forward to having my related learning experience duties here. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I was already used to being exposed to Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center only, and because of the negative image I already had about this place basing on what was heard and printed in the media. Thank God I wasn't exposed in the wards, and only in the special areas. On my first day of duty in CCMC as a student, what turned me off the most was its acrid smell and the rampage of insects crawling about everywhere. But at that time, I had no choice because it was part of the requirement to get me this degree of BSN.

That was the past. Looking back, I think of it as funny because I really love this place. What more can I ask for in working? The pay is good, compared to the private hospitals where my friends are working, there’s no question about that. In terms of experience, working here has taught me to become very resourceful and I’m proud to say that it has indeed improved my skills, considering the fact that nag sagol2x ang mga kaso sa mga pasyente diri and with the limited resources that we have. Aside from that, I met real friends here. Friends I know who have helped me and I know would continue to help me in becoming not just an effective nurse, but a responsible and mature person as well.

CCMC's world class nurses, my friends.. :)

Yes, I have gone through my own shit here in this hospital. There will be people who will always criticize your every move and attempt to pull you down. But that is but common in any organization. The main goal there is to stay strong and believe that just as long as you know that what you are doing is right, you wouldn't care about what other people would say about you. Although sometimes in this hospital, it is every man for himself, the key is still survival of the fittest. Of course when you’re starting, you’ll always be in the lowest level of the food chain. But once you’ve proved your worth and that you are indeed capable of the demands of the job, you’ll eventually earn the respect that’s due you. And I am glad that at this point, I have that now..

Me, on a photoshoot vanity break, while working..ü

And working here, I learned to love this place. It pisses me off sometimes that what the public sees or thinks about CCMC is the negative image that has already been put up by the media. But being an employee here, I have in me this sense of protectiveness toward this institution. If the people can only see the way we work, they can also truly say for themselves that it’s not easy being in our place and would even be proud of us because of our skills. It’s not easy working in a place where there is limited resources and funds. But we have done our part, and we have served the residents in Cebu City to best of our capabilities. And I am proud that I belong to Cebu City Medical Center.

love♥ ü

currently playing>> i miss you by incubus
im feeling>> mingaw2x intawn sa uyab.. :(

just a sweet conversation i remembered while clearing out my friendster messages..ü
(copy pasted from my friendster inbox)

this was at a time when jan2x's friendster profile pic was a picture of brandon boyd from the band incubus:

charLene üüü wrote:

babe.. favor.. change your primary pic beh? okei lng? i dont want to stare at brandon boyd. nahan ka na kang brandon boyd nlng ko maibog?

jely23 wrote:

dili.. hehe.. ok change nko xa...ü

kay dapat sa akoa lng jd ka maibog...ü

so he changed his primary picture to this:

aww..ü my baby, the selfish boyfriend..ü

wala lang.. nakilig lang ko..
and i just miss him even more na nuon.. geh lang..
just a few more months.. he's coming back..
and i'll be happy again..ü

birthdays..ü

currently playing>> the (after) life of the party by fall out boy
im feeling>> lazy coz the weather's so cozy..ü lami mag ligid2x lng bah..ü

it's my niece's birthday today, and as we celebrate her birthday this year, i am reminded on how we celebrated her birthday last year where she wasn't told the night before that it was going to be her birthday the next day. so on the day of her birthday, it was like any ordinary day for her: went to school, came home, took a nap. she was told already in the evening when guests were arriving and her gifts were given that it was in fact her birthday. she got into a fit with her mama on why she wasnt told that it was her special day and cried the night away. hehe. this year is different coz she has a sense of dates already, and knows how to use the calendar. imagine her excitement last night, talking to her classmates on the phone and telling them it was her birthday today.

i have fond memories of when i celebrated my own birthdays as a child, as well. i'd have trouble sleeping the night before coz i'd be so excited about the next day. what concerned me only were the gifts, cake, ice cream and all the yummy food prepared during birthdays, being able to tell all my friends that it was my birthday, and not getting to be bullied by my older sisters coz it was MY birthday. as i grew older though, i really dont have trouble sleeping anymore, the night before my birthday. it's not that it's starting to become any ordinary day already.. maybe it just comes with the time, when you're expected to be mature already.

i still do have happy birthdays, and i still look forward to my birthday every year, thankful that i've been given another good year to celebrate life.ü mature? i don't think so, yet. i'm just glad that i'm aging gracefully. i think. (hehe.ü baga!) and i wish the same for my family as well, especially for the kids, and for my friends.ü

will update..

currently playing>> paparazzi remix by lady gaga on youtube :)
im feeling>> sapot with old married firemen. piste

i havent put anything on this blog for more than three years, let alone visit this. so after three years, here i am, this is the COMEBACK! :) and yes.. bcoz this is a requirement for my infotech class.. hehe. :)

i have reread things ive posted here, and na lingaw ko.. they seem so long ago.. from a not soo distant (but still so fresh) past..

so yea. i will update. promise, promise! :D

i loathed the day i'd turn twenty and more..

currently playing>> smells like teen spirit, tori amos remake
im feeling>> duty ko unya gbii, kapoie huna2x..

Summer rotation is over, and on this day, I am officially a senior, having had myself enrolled already. Yep, I am finally going to graduate next year. And oh boy, I can't wait. Wheee!ü I consider myself not busy anymore so here I am, going back to my regular routine of blogging, multiplying, friendstering, myspacing, emailing and basically just internet-hours-wasting.. This is the life. No school, no NCPs, no SOAPIEs, no PAs, no drug studies, no homework, no quizzes, no irritating CIs to think about. Just sleep, lakwatsa, tv, laag, and what’s left of my summer before I get confined with school work again.

Just a few thoughts on my 2006 summer:

>> The Out-Patient-Department of CCMC’s not bad for a public hospital. Nice staff, scary TB-positive patients.

>> The beach is a fun place to be when you’re with the people you love. And tequila tastes a whole lot better when you’re in a group of four people and there are only two of you who drink. Haha, simang lageh nih?

>> I just recently discovered that my satiety level has decreased. This ought to be a good thing since it helps to lose weight (less food intake = less calories), but the thing that I’m concerned of is because this isn’t me anymore!ü Haha, my family and friends get alarmed with the little amount of food on my plate.

>> I found myself to being more responsible. If I was naning sa una, samot ko ka naning karon. And I enjoy being like this. And that’s weird.

>> I always say that the best parts of the movies are their trailers. It still is. Until recently, after three action/sci-fi flicks, I realized that the trailers are more fun when you have people around to share it with, and a shoulder to lean your head on, and a hand to hold.

>> My parents still won’t allow me to learn how to drive. While all my groupmates are bringing their own wheels during late night shifts at the hospital, I’m stuck with riding a cab or hitching a ride from them.

>> I loathed the day I’d turn twenty, but now that I already did, it doesn’t make any difference, really. Nothing has changed, I’m still the same bratty me who needs to grow up. Yep, I didn’t consider last May 09 to be my twentieth birthday, but my ninth 12th birthday instead. I’ll forever be stuck in this age.ü

>> Nindot na message ay: “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else..” Hi thwee-yiw-owd boie!ü

>> My high school barkada is home for the summer, and I have happy times with them, just like our sci-hi yagit2x days. It’s nice to know that things still haven’t changed among us, except maybe for a few girls here and there, but all’s well. We miss you love, laag na sunod with us, ha?

>> They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I agree..ü It’s just that sometimes, absence makes the heart lose interest too. =’(

Welpz, so far, this has been a summer of bloody wounded people, kids who scream when they have their wounds sewn, motor vehicular accidents, stabbed drunken men, gangmen-shot-on-the-back-by-the-enemy who arrive dead on arrival, dying old diabetic women, perverted nurses-on-duty, kitoy-kitoya ang atngal misis or bila, misis, BILA! words of encouragement to women in labor, screaming OB residents who curse the pregnant women that anger them, good-looking resident surgeons, meconium-stained ugly newborn babies, new formed friendships, strengthened friendships, ended friendships, reunions with lost ones, corny text messages, good movies, plenty food and drinks, graduating friends (hi toni, tibay, lime, mac2x, peter, joko and the rest of the CITE ppl), birthdays, new born nieces, beach, sun, and fun..ü

I still have more or less fifteen days to enjoy what’s left of my summer..

Someone’s coming home in June. We’ll see what will happen from there.

For now, I will close my eyes and dream about the stars in the skies, I’m a princess in disguise, he’ll be my angel tonight, I’ll come take his hand and together we’ll rise to the heavens above..

*meymee maktin*

sophia's world..

currently playing>> one by u2
im feeling>> happy! hehe, its my ninth twelfth birthday tomorrow! *wink* whee.ü

this is what has been keeping me busy this past few days..
it was eight am when my eldest sister cathy texted me that she has been having contractions 8 minutes apart since three am. i didnt take her seriously. instead, i just told her to hold the baby til my birthday (which is tomorrow na by the way), may 9. at twelve noon, tito mertz, her husband, informed us that she was brought to the hospital already. since her first pregnancy was via cesarean section, this baby also had to go through one. so there, at 3:13 in the afternoon, i had my ninth pamangkin: sophia.

not that i dont like the name, but its too common already, and for several other reasons.. hehe.ü we tried convincing her to think of something else, but they weren't expecting the baby to arrive this weekend either.

too bad i wasnt on duty at this time, but my schoolmates were. one of my highschool barkada shilai, was assigned to take care of her. better her than someone else.ü i had her picture taken by one of my friends who was on duty too. cute kid. chubby and pink. an angel.. but as usual, my dad's genes has proved its prominence again..

i wish her well into the world she still has yet to discover. today, she's enjoying being told stories of color and warmth. tomorrow, she'll be chasing butterflies..

a happy birthday to me tomorrow!ü

baby shampoos for a crybaby..

currently playing>> jeepney by spongecola..
im feeling>> hurt, aching, longing.. =(

never have i felt so weak before in my life than i did last night. and up to now, the wounds are still so raw. how come when heartaches were introduced, they didnt invent it with the no-tear-formula that baby shampoos are made of?

i am a crybaby. been one for as long as i can remember. i get teary-eyed over the most petty things. i cried during my high school graduation. i cried the first time i was able to witness a baby being born to the world. i cried when i lost the elections for school president in grade six. i cried when my older brother left for the states. i cried when i had a fight with my dad two afternoons ago. i cried when dylan cried over his finger that got caught in the car door. i cried when i broke my wrist during one of my sessions in karate when i was in grade three. i cried when i saw how proud my mom was to see me on stage delivering a speech of thanks in behalf of the entire graduating class during my elementary graduation. i cried when i got picked on by some friends in high school. i even cry over those sappy melodramas that they show on the big screen or on tv. but now i cry because i can't just stop the world and melt with him.

yep. i am a crybaby. and i might owe it to the fact that i was already four years old when my mom started buying johnson's baby shampoo for me. prior to that, i remember crying when my dad would give me a bath because he made sure that he soaped every inch of me, and that meant my face included. and getting soap in my eyes always made me cry.

it's funny how one thinks how easy it is to get over feelings for someone.

one minute, i feel it's there, freeing me of all the pain. it's fresh. blissful. it haunts my soul like warm rays of sunshine, replacing the blood in my veins. and just when im already starting to enjoy the warmth, i suddenly find myself waking up to a series of tidal waves, crashing down on me from nowhere, drowning my senses and bringing me back to reality. it's cold. livid. it hurts. ouch.

im not the type of person who gives up easily. i hold on, as much as i can, but i learn to let go when i noe i have lost the fight. melancholy would settle in, yes, but it would only last for a while. and i need just enough for me to feel the numb, enough to give me strength to swim out of that stuporic state of doldrums.

but i smile. i live for rollercoasters like these that reassure me that i am human, capable of emotions. it's what keeps me alive. it's what keeps me sane. in a stage where pimple-causing raging hormones are not under my control, i find myself grinning like a kid who got a perfect ten plus three stars on a spelling quiz after giving the teacher a juicy red apple.

pain will always be unavoidable, but nobody said that it wouldnt be bearable.

i still try hard not to get shampoo in my eyes so that it wouldnt sting. and i make sure that i close my eyes every time i wash my face. if only avoiding heartaches were as simple as these, i wouldnt be looking for baby shampoos all the time.

nagging parents and the philippines' judiciary system.

currently playing>> rules of a happy marriage by the ambassadors..
im feeling>> pissed.

i woke up to another one of my parents' nagging. great. what a way to start the day. i hate it when they continuously bug me coz it makes me want to gara, just to piss them off all the more. and when i do, i then receive the satisfaction of more nags, screams, walk-outs and slamming doors. as if i care! doi, satisfaction ganeh!ü

and then i arrive to a courtroom, as usual, earlier than the judge. the judge who never comes on time, despite the many instances that i make langay, he still comes in later than i do. haha. way to go, judge! so there i read the human comedy by william saroyan while waiting for good ol' judge to arrive. and what greets me? information stating that the fiscal isnt around, and no word has come from the public prosecutor's office authorizing the court to proceed with the prosecution even without him. damn. another wasted day. why? bcoz the justice system of the philippines is soo lame, it makes me not want to proceed with med school to pursue law. in a country where red tape is its chief dialect, it needs idealistic youngbloods like me to make the necessary changes it has long been overdue.

but sometimes, no, MOST OF THE TIME, the "not-wanting-to-care" part of me overrules the aktibista in me. hahay, unsa man gyud?

akong gugmang dako pas kalibutan..

currently playing>> only one, yellow card. emo mode.. tsk.
im feeling>> disappointed, but not totally betrayed.


school is officially over, but this week has served as another learning experience for me. particularly that of last saturday's happenings. i realized that some things will never be. i must have realized it too late. and that's the bad part. too late. the good thing bowt it is, at least i realized it soon enough. haha. okei, anlaaabooohh!!!

one, you can only count on sooo few people in this world. and most of the time, the people you consider as friends are the ones who betray you the most. its either they use you for their greater glory, or, they just use you.

two, the most unexpected people are the ones who make you laugh the most. the ones you ask to for help are too busy to make you smile. a real messy beautiful, twisted sunshine..

three, quote unquote from badz: "you can only truly fall in love with one person. and the others? well, they just make your heart beat. you'll get to meet a lot of people but there's only one to whom you'll fully give your heart.." true? TRUE! asa naman akong thweeyiwowdboi oiee?? :((

four, i proved that hula2x is not true. mugna ra gyud na cla. remember when i posted something on palmreading (year end, year start na entry)? bowt what kuya rey said bowt whats goin to happen dz year? well i proved him wrong.. sayup ang iya mga gipang say. wala pakoi na ilhan na tao na iya gi mention ato na "hula".. but heck, its still the first quarter of the year. a lot can happen..

five, sadness is the absence of happiness. doi! seriously, sir januar must have been right when he told me that im already leaning towards the negative end of the mental health-illness continuum. tsk tsk..

six, its already a month or so before i turn twenty. il now be saying goodbye to my yagit2x teen years. but im not ready to grow up yet! *whine* :( face reality, char..

seven, suicide is not something you jowk about, especially when its friends who are of concern.. it is not funny. but i should have learned. i took this up in psych nursing. when will i learn that suicidal ideations are but mere forms of just gathering attention? to be of concern, but not enough reason to splurge load and tears on. And that was blow number one.

eight, half is half.

nine, usahay sa larsian magsakit ang tiyan.. (bibliography: insoy, suroy-suroy, 2003) true, how true.. more on the body's somatic reaction to stress and anxiety.

ten, gary v. shouldnt join kamikazee on stage. ever. its bad image for the band.

eleven, the beach is therapeutic. aside from psychological and emotional healing, it really helps in alleviating cough and colds. but with alcohol and nicotine present, expect the otherwise. two positive forces negate effects.

twelve, i noticed that i have changed a lot this past few days. ive become more patient, and ive learned to control my temper more. change for the better, so to speak, but this isnt me. ive tried so hard, sooo hard.. but to no avail. coz it is he who has changed for the worse. hez not the same person i fell in love with last week and two weeks ago. kinsa man ni siya??

thirteen, moving forward, using all my breath.. making love to you was never second best.. the song! THAAH SOOONNGGG!!! damn the song. i should erase this from my player. but for some reason, i just cant.

fourteen, upload pictures earlier. engk. wrong. clear out pc files earlier. aron mahuna.hunaAn ug sayo kung mag upload ug pics bah or dili. crap. i should have sorted out my pc last march 31. why now?? aaahhh. now i only have less than 20 slots left for pictures in my multiply. the world is going to end nah. ;p

fifteen, its the third day of the month again. another lonely third day of the month. and it sucks. i should just get back to reading.

and lastly, the final blow.. i realized that we would never be.. never comprehending the race was long gone by..

me and my tagboard.ü

currently playing>> everything by lifehouse.
im feeling>> happy.ü

after four months and 11 days of (supposed) blogging, i now have a tagboard!ü congratulations to me! :D ive a friend who's been continuously prodding me to put up a tagboard since the main reason why she isnt putting comments is bcoz she finds it too much of a hassle to click the comment link below an entry. TAPULAN KA CHAI!!!ü but i thank you just the same for giving me the idea to put it. ;) and i agree, it sure is a little convenient, though its only been just me who has posted in it. haha. pathetic me.

virginity and politics

currently playing>> akin ka na lang by the itchyworms..
im feeling>> "in the monday blues"


*another one i came up with during class. man, i hafta stop drifting off. (hehe, ahh! mura man nay sakit sa utok..)*


27 february 2006
8:42 AM
Anatomy Room
Psychiatric Nursing Class

we're currently discussing emotional responses and mood disorders, and dr. lopez mentioned about us being in the monday blues syndrome. i really havent put much thought about monday blues, but ive always heard marlo talking about bein in that state (only, he called his "monday morning sickness"..) everytime he gets to work during mondays. and come to think of it, i may be feeling that now. a hangover from the weekend.

aside from that, i feel soo sore.. i have bruises all over my body. in my arms, legs, chest, my right temple, and even in the groin area. and this is all bcoz of what happened last saturday night. damn. remind me to never do that again. ever.

my dad came home with a bottle of virgin coconut oil yesterday and he insisted that i take it as part of my dietary supplement this morning. in my mind, i was thinking, "why should i? is this supposed to make me a virgin again? let alone make me feel like one?" hihihi.. >=D *evil grin* wala lang.. the thought just popped into my head since my instructor has just slightly, unconsciously, brought up a little talk on premarital sex. but seriously, unsay gamit anang virgin coconut oil? it may just be another fad like the previous lactobacillus was. somebody enlighten my mind please. im too lazy to do research.

the class discussion has slowly shifted into current events. about what is happening to the philippines at the moment. the whole scenario is depressing me. it makes me want to leave and never return to this godforsaken country. with much due respect to the president, she noes what she has to do to stop all this gubot bcoz in the first place, shez the very reason why it is happening. shez just too stubborn to do what everyone noes would be best for the nation. if she has any concern left for this country, she should do it soon. shez even accusin people and having them arrested. pathetic, paranoid, little bitch. this is exactly happened when marcos' power got into his head, thus making him lust for more. putting the country in a state of emergency is just the beginning of gloria's greed and selfishness. history is about to repeat itself.

but as always, the filipino people never learn. we are never contented. be it gma or whoever it is in authority, there would still be those who would be against them, question their legitimacy, destroy them, try to put them out of power and demand that their candidate is better than the one currently in position. and this isnt new anymore. the filipinos always never learn. sad.

okei. nag yaw2x nako.

anyhow, on a happier note, setting depressing and dirty politics aside, i have the feeling that im not paying attention to my lessons anymore. tsk tsk tsk. bad, baby baktin, bad!ü but can you blame me if discussions like this really bore the hell out me? haha. talk about using the defense mechanism Rationalization. (Rationalization - offering a socially acceptable or apparently logical explanation to justify or make acceptable otherwise unacceptable impulses, feelings, behaviors and motives. Principles and Practice of Psychiatric Nursing, 8th edition, Stuart and Laraia, page 269.) see, im even applying nah what i have learned from this class!ü *wink*

haaay. i cant wait for the finals to be over. i can soo feel my finaly year under my nose nah. :D but before that, i have the summer to attent to first! yeeeey!ü beach fun under the sun!ü (whoever thought that i can rhyme too? :p)

cheap thrills in syarlen's life..ü

currently playing>> island of love by big mountain is on my playlist..
im feeling>> i want to pee!!! hehe.ü


i have a busy life. well, at least i believe that i do. having to manage time between school, studying for exams, lakwatsa, sleep, inom sessions and family bondings, i make it a point that in whatever i do, or in whatever experience i come in contact with, i am happy. and that's easy. bcoz for someone like me, MABAW MAN KO UG KALIPAY!ü so making and keeping me happy shouldnt be a problem..

here are just some of the few things that make me happy:

[x] sleeping early and waking up real late..
[x] waking up at dawn just in time to get ready for school. or waking up at exactly 5am and realizing that i still have 30 minutes for additional sleep before i have to heat my water to take a bath.ü
[x] snoozing in between classes when the teacher isnt around.. power naps!ü
[x] early afternoon siestas..ü
[x] actually, just sleep.
[x] receiving emails or phone calls or text messages from jan2x. he. is. my. happiness.
[x] lazy instructors who arrive late for class or duty, allow us to laze around in the ward, give extra long breaktimes, postpone their exams, or cancel their classes. yey!ü
[x] monday afternoon world lit classes.. *wink* ü
[x] meeting new people.
[x] not having to wait long for a jeepney. or boarding a not full jeepney. and no traffic. =D
[x] fast internet connections.
[x] receiving text messages from unexpected people.ü
[x] getting drunk. hangovers always give me a euphoric feeling.. minus the uneasy tummy and labad head.
[x] keeping the change when im bein sent out on buying errands.
[x] early morning sunrise.. i may be a cynic, but yeah.. i love the feeling of "new hope" ;)
[x] late afternoon sunsets..ü
[x] extra long movie trailers!ü
[x] being able to watch a movie in the premiere section even if the tickets bought are for the de luxe.ü woOhoo.. long live tanga watchers.ü
[x] reading a really, really good book. or narrative. or story. or newspaper article.
[x] cute, funny bumper stickers.ü
[x] being able to illegally download a full album of mp3s at less time.ü 1st time this happened, i got the ultraelectromagneticjam. and that took me two days of early morning studying.. (i dont burn cds. i just do so for my own consumption and not for piracy..)
[x] having a crush every now and then.
[x] quarreling, bitching, or just the plain feeling of screaming at someone..
[x] getting a good grade at a test i didnt prepare for. ;)
[x] getting a good grade at a test i prepared for..ü
[x] sleeping in between answering final exams. nursing exam questions are really boring, i tell you..
[x] the beach! i love the beach. i wanna be a beach bum! i wanna live near the beach..ü just neglect the fact that i dont noe how to swim. lol =D
[x] getting a visit from izza and dylan..ü
[x] waking up scared on a late saturday morning thinking that its a schoolday and im already late and then laughing at myself after realizing that its a weekend after all and that it was a false alarm and that i dont have classes.ü
[x] getting frequent bear hugs..
[x] corny jokes.ü mabaw kog kalipay, i swear..ü i laugh at anything..
[x] bumping into my world lit teacher in campus or elsewhere.. and not having the courage to greet him. heheü
[x] having a full meal.ü
[x] burping after having a full meal.ü
[x] not having to hear any cueshe song in a single day.
[x] being of help to other people. ;) i happen to be an angel too..
[x] chocolates!!!ü in any form, size, shape, brand.. im a sucker for chocolates!ü
[x] getting away with something. wahihi.ü
[x] breaking stupid people's hearts.. ;)
[x] receiving a package from my brother in the states..
[x] the rain! really strong rains.ü i love taking a bath in the rain..ü
[x] having a friend buy me something for snacks. boy bawang will do.ü
[x] not having to wait long in a counter to pay for my stuff..
[x] really nice cinematography, graphics, colors..ü
[x] hearing my favorite songs played on the radio..
[x] finishing my projects, assignments or studying days before deadline.. ;)
[x] the smell of my newly washed clothes..
[x] having a fun talk with someone on the phone..
[x] catching friends online sa ym..
[x] being able to come up with something creative, for my blog, for a school project, bastah. whenever i get to make use of my creative juices, it makes me happy.ü
[x] being given what i want, at the time i want it.. ;) brat??
[x] reciting in class. letting out what's on my mind.
[x] when discussing answers in an exam (cheating in layman's terms), and i have an opposite answer from my discussion-mate, and he insists that his is correct, getting the right answer after checking makes me happy. and evil. (kai mu laugh man ko saku cheatmate.. dah! nanu btaw wa ni sunod saku answer! :P)
[x] trusting my instincts..
[x] being asked help from..
[x] accepting testimonials in friendster and comments in myspace, and friend requests sad.ü
[x] being able to smoke while drinking. ;i
[x] crying at a really good, sappy movie..ü
[x] CAMWHORING!!! and getting really really good results..ü
[x] remembering something funny and laughing to myself. or remembering something funny and suddenly laughing aloud and people look at me as if im crazy..
[x] laughing at some silly message sent to me on my fon, and again, having people look at me as if im crazy.. hihi.=D
[x] OR experience!!! talk about hottie doctors..ü
[x] and hottie doctors sa ward sad..ü
[x] eating cotton candy!
[x] hearing good music..
[x] spending big for an entrance to a concert, but then again, getting my money's worth for a good performance.ü
[x] hearing bamboo's sunshine song! yey, i was able to download it nah..ü whee!
[x] bear hugs! kisses on the forehead. kisses on the nose. kisses on the ear and neck (or licks will do. haha. erogenous zones.. ;p). and sloppy kisses.ü
[x] reggae! lift me up. take me high.
[x] spotting really cute earrings in bazaar stalls all over the mall..ü
[x] having my picture taken..
[x] looking at the mirror and seeing a beautiful goddess..ü
[x] having my blog read.
[x] eating siomai.. and getting one free..
[x] losing a few pounds now and then..
[x] being told that i am loved.. and cared for..
[x] seeing cute little pink things..
[x] butterflies! pigs! pink and green. buttercup. piglet!ü
[x] getting something new..
[x] the satisfaction i get after cleaning my room or washing my clothes..
[x] treating myself to food..
[x] holding hands with someone i love..
[x] not having to wait long for my unlimited texting to be activated..
[x] getting into a very heated argument, and winning.ü
[x] seeing a really hot, pretty and sexy chick.. (lageh, tomboy na lageh ko. geh lang tomboy, gwapa man. bigaon pa gyud.. ;p)
[x] being bought something from the supermarket when doing groceries with my mom..
[x] making kikik and getting away with it.. yikesss!! magabaan gyud ko ani bah.. tsk tsk..
[x] having my heart broken (breaking up with jan2x or having a fight with him..) then crying hard.. then getting back with him again. hihi.ü god, i miss him so much.. :(
[x] being able to save a lot from my week's allowance, then spending it during the weekend..ü
[x] white roses!
[x] fireworks!
[x] friday or saturday night laags and coming home early in the morning just before my parents wake up..ü
[x] receiving sad kowtz.. hehe, di man gud ko ka relate sa ilang heartache mao na ma happy ko!ü
[x] dreaming my grand grand GRAND wedding..ü
[x] just dreaming.
[x] not having my white shoes, or my whole white uniform dirty, when it rains early morning when im on the way to the hospital..
[x] reading really lame soapie charts from other schools.. hehe.ü
[x] answering boring surveys on friendster or myspace when im bored.. ;p
[x] the triumphant feeling i get after making poo-poo..ü

there. one hundred things should do for now.. but there's more than just those hundred that make me happy.. surprise me. i love surprises. they make me happy too..ü

useless caffeinated drink..

currently playing>> superproxy by francis magalona in my ultraelectromagneticjam playlist :D
im feeling>> hmm. my hands are tired from writing :(


this is something i came up with kanina in class..


22 february 2006
8:37 AM
room 330, nursing applied science class 3

same old crap. different day.

god, i hate my pathophysio class. its the most boring class ive ever encountered in my entire life, i swear. and to think it's supposed to be one of interest, considering that it studies how diseases come to happen, but this one's really different. it gives a whole new meaning to the word boring!

as far as i can remember, there wasnt a time when i would be studying for this class' exams that i wouldnt doze off in between chapters.. and to think that im a very naning student. geez.

im in the middle of another patho lecture, and yeah, im bored to death. im trying so had to keep my upper eyelids at place in the ocular sinus of my skull, where it should be: UP and OPEN, praying hard that my orbicularis oculi muscles and my cranial nerves 2, 3, 4 and 5 wont betray me at this time. the coffee i brought in the my dad's thermos isnt even taking effect. im reading my notes, trying to review for this afternoon's unit test, but the more i feel the urge to snooze. man, i sooo miss my bed!

so here i am, confined to this old, ugly, dirty, vandalism-full, wooden armchair (that should've been junked ages ago), hearing (NOT listening to) the droning voice of my clinical instructor, keeping myself awake by texting, and obviously writing this thing. even my seatmates are no good at this time too.

god, i am soo bored. help me out of this hell. please.

the goddess, a movie star? hehe.ü

currently playing>> stick with you sa pussycat dolls..
im feeling>> pissed.. (im in a fit with sidney, pisti-pistihon ba ko?)

im supposedly in a good mood. but im hellah pissed gyud! dili pa ganeh uyab, awayon nako! unsa nlng kaha if uyab nah? atay!

but setting bad moods aside, here's something from tickle (i dont like the results though.. pero okei lang, the ass is more important.ü):

Charlene goddess ü, your movie star double is Jennifer Lopez

A magnetic maven like you needs to be played by someone who knows how to get an audience's attention — and keep it. That's why Jennifer Lopez would be a great leading lady in the movie of your life. You've got a certain star quality that makes people applaud whatever you decide to put your energy into. Regardless of whether you match J Lo's glamorous look, her mega-diva glow will help translate your stunning charisma to the silver screen.

Back in high school, were you the one in the spotlight — star of the school play, student council president, and popular girl around town? Well, with your charms, you should have been. There's just something about you that has people screaming for more. But that's a good thing since you probably thrive when you're being social, surrounded by people, or getting out and about.

If some people perceive you as high maintenance, you can just tell them that you have high expectations. If you're willing to work so hard on yourself, why can't other people do the same? So get ready for the new cast in the movie of your life headed by none other than J Lo herself.

ive been sent this quiz by a lot of friends, but its only now that i took time to open it. c kuya eimer man gud ang nag send. :p anyway, his results show na benjamin bratt daw xa? haha. i doubt.ü (patay ko anih if he reads this. lol)