memory one

i found some old notes in my computer. here's one i wrote in 3rd year high school, after nagbuwag meh ni jan2x.. hehe. i found myself smiling when i read this. haha. i wuz so high school!ü

in some ways, i think i still am. hehe.

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Dear Diary 01:26 AM, 11 march 2002

This is so pathetic. They said that love could cause unbelievable pain. Only, I didn’t think that it would be this unbearable. I see him everyday and it hurts so bad to know that he’s happily moving on with his life, while I’m still here… holding on to the past. Holding on to “what was” and “what had been”. Being near him and feeling him close never ceases to make me remember the way just one simple smile from him was enough to take away all the hate I felt for the world. In a way, it still does. But it’s not just the same for his smiles are no longer for me. It has never been the same and it may never be the same again.

He was my protector. My confidant. My friend. The very reason for my whole being. I remember he used to tell me words of love and devotion and of tender admiration. He promised me forever and eternity. I felt so secure in his arms. I felt so loved, needed, wanted, and so tenderly cared for. No one had ever made me feel that way before. Yet he betrayed me with all his lies. He told me that it would be better if I just let him go. He told me that he wasn’t worth my love and that someone else deserves it more than he did. But what if things would only get worse if I would let him go? What if he was truly worth my love and that he was the one who deserved it and much more? He told me it would be better if we were just friends. FRIENDS?! But I don’t want to be just friends! He told me to just forget about him. He told me to find someone new. And I tried that. Believe me, I did. Find someone new? I’d only end up hurting the person much more than myself for I would always run back to him, at least to the memory of his love. But that was what he wanted. He hurt me and he caused me so much pain. But then guess what… just one look at him would already be enough to erase all those pain.

I know I should move on with my life already. But what if he was the only one I ever loved? The only one I ever did, and probably the only one I ever will do? It’s true what they say that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Maybe I’m the one to blame. If only I hadn’t given up too soon. If only I didn’t let go that fast. If only I held on just a little bit longer, then maybe things wouldn’t have turned out this way and maybe I wouldn’t be sourgraping this badly. But it’s too late for all those regrets now. What more could they do? They wouldn’t even be enough to be able to bring him back.

If only they could…