memory two

haha! i found another one! god, i love clearing out my files..ü this one's from fourth year high school. hehe. pathetic me.

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october 17, 2002

You know how you say you're completely over a person and you promise yourself that you'll never fall for that person again? You know how you break yourself to pieces just hearing the sounds that bring back the memories of the person you vowed to never love again? You know how difficult it is to forget about that person because you know deep inside of you, you always will remember? I do.
Being in love with a person for almost two years is no joke. I must admit, it would probably be pale in comparison with other people who have loved but for me, he was my first and only love. I was so caught up in the thought of us and of being together for the rest of our lives. It seemed like I had found myself in him and that I would never have to let go. It was a dream come true for me, a girl who never actually thought about falling in love. I was fine in a world of friends and family. I was scared of boys, frightened that they might bite. I kept my distance from them.

But all that changed when I met him. He was different. Well, maybe he wasn't - it just seemed like he was. He stood out from the rest, probably because I already liked him that much. I never thought we'd talk like we knew each other since we were children. I never thought I'd open up to a boy as I did with him. He had my heart in his hands.

The short text messages would stay saved on my cellphone for times I needed his comfort. I would read them and I would automatically feel better. There’s no mentioning the times when I’d read them over and over again. The times we’d walk together to class was sweeter than ice cream. The short visits he'd make would almost be like a grand event - even worthy of a countdown. The times he’d walk me home every after school let out was like heaven. Every moment with him mattered and I was happy. I was truly happy. It was bliss… sweet eternal bliss. It was almost unreal.

My life seemed like a fairy tale when he came into my life but I had to learn that not all fairy tales end up happy – and I learned that the hard way. He seemed distant a few weeks into the relationship. The walks to class with me became walks to class with his friends. The free periods spent together with me became free periods spent together with friends. The visits became less frequent. The after-school-walks-to-home became extinct. And I was starting to feel lost and alone. It went on for a couple of weeks. We didn't talk and we didn't see each other. I felt both devastated and angry. Devastated because I felt I had lost my source of happiness and inspiration. Angry because I hated him for making me feel that way. I didn't want to call him and talk to him for fear that the once amazing relationship we had might get cut short.

But somebody always has to make the first move. I had to know what was wrong and what went wrong. I had to muster up the courage to do so. And I did. I was scared. My heart was beating so fast that I couldn't catch up with it. I knew there had to be a reason for me to feel that way. And my fear became reality when it became obvious that this wasn't what he wanted. The relationship seemed to be the most important thing for him before but not anymore. He got tired. I was broken. I wanted to cry but the tears would not fall. I wanted to hit him to make him feel the pain in my heart but on the other hand, I wanted to hug him and keep him close in the hopes of making him stay with me. But I knew I couldn't. He didn't want me - not as much as I wanted him. It felt like a thousand blades piercing me all at one time.

It was hard to let go of the thought of him wanting me back. I held on to it because I had nothing else to hold on to. I never thought the day would come when I would finally tell myself that I am over him and that I don't need him anymore. I never thought that he would forget about me as easily as he decided of letting go. I never thought he'd be as mean as he is now to the one person who he said he loved. Call it sourgraping, but I never thought I would regret even loving someone as much as I loved him. I never thought I would hate him, as I never thought I would fall in love. But I love him. Yeah. I still do.